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Getting Past Infidelity

August 21, 2018

Infidelity is such a betrayal, and most times unforeseen. Feels like the rug was pulled out underneath your feet. There is so many feelings rushing at one time, and pressure to make a decision on the fate of your relationship. Pressure to forgive, pressure to shame, pressure to turn a blind eye, pressure to end the relationship, pressure to hate, just constant birdies in your ear. Sometimes the birdies are chirping so loud, you cannot even hear yourself think. Why do we have to be so critical?! We forget that in relationships there is a emotional, physical and mental bond with another. Despite the pain a person has caused in your life, you still love them.  So, here are some things to consider because I believe there is getting past infidelity regardless of the decision you make for the future of your relationship. 


One. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, and know that you are absolutely entitled to any of those feelings. Do not allow yourself to sit in the rawness. Try to process your feelings within yourself by taking time for yourself. At the end of the day, irrespective of the pain you feel, it is actually okay to still love the person. People have the hugest conflict with accepting their love for their cheating partner. 


Two.  Cut out the noise of those around you, and pick maybe one to two very trusted, neutral confidants. There is so much pain that comes along with infidelity that you either feel so embarrassed, shameful, guilty or even so pissed of and full of anguish that you shut out your supports, or be around those polarized in your favor. Having too many opinions, especially polarized will cloud your thought process. Not having any support, will cause loneliness. You need support to process and validate your feelings, but be careful who you choose. A therapist is always a good option! 


Three. Rip the band-aid off! Avoiding conversation, avoiding asking questions, avoiding not answering questions, etc causes so much more pain. Have meaningful disclosure, and make time to discuss the associated feeling about the infidelity. Accept that you will never feel like you know everything related to the infidelity. Trust is having faith in someone without sight. Trust is a decision to be vulnerable to someone based on that faith. With infidelity, you realize that the wool was pulled over your eyes. Anything becomes possible in those moments when you feel that type of doubt. Nothing that your partner will say or do will really put to rest those feelings of doubt, only time will help rebuild trust. Remember, if you look, you shall find, and even so, you will still feel doubt.  So, put a lid on how much information you really can manage emotionally, physically and mentally.


Four. Get back to the basics of who you are as an individual, and what has positively defined your relationship. Work out, cook, do pottery, paint, go to the movies, read a book, play a sport, etc. Find that happy place again, and do not let the infidelity rob you of those moments. Getting back to this core allows you to process, think more clearly, and reconnect in positivity. 


Five. Last words for both partners... Feelings are temporary. Make intentional actions each day to push past the pain and deceit. Regain control of your life by making a choice each day towards life's fullness and contentment. No pressure to decide the fate of your relationship, but pressure to live again.  



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